If you read this regularly then you know some of the basics of my life. I’m a make-up artist who once worked in advertising – With my current life being pretty enviable.

What you might not know is that I also used to be depressed and my life was once anything but enviable.

When I say I was depressed, I don’t mean in the over dramatic ‘OMG I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW’ kind of way. More in the way of my doctor dropping this bomb on me: ‘I think you might be suffering from depression.’

I’m talking the real deal here. Not some over dramatized woah is me point in my life…But real, sad, dark, terrifying, hopeless depression.

The funny thing about depression is that you don’t actually know that you’re in it until you’ve worked through it. So, for months (and most likely a whole lot longer although I can’t actually confirm that), I walked around in a cloud of hopeless monotony. Every day was difficult. Every day had become routine. Every day I was walking around going through the motions, a total shell of myself.

In this particular case, it was situational. A case of: I hate my job. I’m not living up to my potential. I’m not even doing what I like or want. My bosses are MEAN. I feel stuck. I’m unhappy. And the worst of all being that I didn’t have a clue as to how to get myself out of all that.

I slept a lot during this time period. A lot meaning, that I would come home from work at 630 and be in my bed at 7…Only to be dragging myself out the door the next morning to repeat the cycle.

It was terrible, and I wasted a lot of time avoiding and not dealing.

In the end it got to be so bad that my doctor actually encouraged me to quit my advertising job. But, I’ve never been a quitter so I couldn’t bring myself to do that. Even though 2 out of my 3 bosses were cruel as hell, and verbally kicked the shit out of me every day while never once giving me credit for ANYTHING – I still couldn’t bring myself to leave.

When my problem was at it’s worst, I was always late. Now, time has never been my friend – But, when I was depressed time was a serious problem. Getting out of bed in the morning had become so trying, that I would find myself sneaking in through the back entrance of my job…Leaving my coat and bags in someone else’s cube (Thanks Ang and Marfa)…Wishing, hoping and praying that my bosses would think I had been there all along.

Some days were better than others, but towards the end of that job there wasn’t a single day that I didn’t hide in a bathroom stall at some point to cry. My bitch boss Evileen had deemed me incompetent. Her male counterpart was ERRATIC, hostile and aggressive towards me and would smile at me, only to turn around and trash talk me around the office as soon as I left his presence. At some point, when they had really ganged up on me, I had come to refer to them as Satan and His Whore.

On the days that were better, I would leave work and walk around Ricky’s. I wouldn’t be ready to go home just yet because I knew that I would crawl in to bed and my day would be done without having done anything for myself – And I was trying really hard to be stronger than that. So, I would meander around and peruse the beauty products, and stick my fingers in all the samples of Mattese make-up. It made me feel better to be surrounded by the things that I enjoyed.

On the days that were really difficult to get through, I wore red lipstick. It made me feel awake and vibrant – 2 things I had not been feeling very often. For me, it was more than just red lipstick, it was a tool I was using for empowerment to get through the day. And when the only boss I had a good rapor with commented on how much she loved it one day – I wanted to tell her how nice it was to hear that, and I also wanted to tell her why I wore it, but at that time I was too ashamed of my situation to even admit to myself that I was depressed. Having always been a strong person, my denial of my situation at the time was largely in part of my not wanting to admit defeat. But, I now know that I wasn’t defeated. I also know that I’m a stronger person and better artist for having overcome my depression.

I don’t think my nice boss will ever know what her comment meant to me at the time. And, even though she couldn’t help with my other bosses (They were trying to eat her alive too)…She was really a kind person and I would tell her that and thank her for being fair to me if I ever were to see her again.

I guess the point of this, is to say that I don’t just love my job – This career is about much more than just making people look good and playing with products and getting to collaborate with really amazing people. All of that is great, but my love for make-up goes far deeper than anything I think you can imagine.

I’m lucky. By clinical standards my depression was certainly not the worst. I was never suicidal (Thank God), but, if I didn’t have beauty products to use as a tool to help me work through things, I don’t know how this story might have ended. I don’t just think that cosmetics can make you look good – I believe in the power of beauty. I believe in it because it really did save me – And for that I will love and appreciate, and live and breathe this career for the rest of my life.

*If you or someone you know is depressed,please visit www.allaboutdepression.com for valuable resources.